Today I sat on a rock and cried.
I cried for lost dreams and forbidden desires. For past loves and hopeful futures. The tears flowed deep in my heart and overflowed through the eyes of my soul.
I cried because I am human. You see, I have been living in a void for a couple of years now. A void is a state of nothingness, where nothing makes its home. It’s a place where nothing moves, nothing exists, nothing is real. It’s a place between dark and light, between fact and fiction. Wrong or right have no place in the void, as there is nothing to judge.
It’s a place of great comfort and great sorrow.
I came upon the void as a result of a series of choices I made. I have learnt that choices are neither right nor wrong, they just are. At first, I fought the void furiously; determined to claw my way out of it. The person that I was at that time could not fathom the state of doing absolutely nothing. So I tried desperately to find something to do, failing gloriously each time.
Eventually I figured that I was there for a reason, perhaps a season of rest as I awaited the next season of my life. I never fully understood that the void is a season all by itself.
Most of us have no idea how to be in a state of nothing. We fill our days with endless activity, most of it meaningless in a bid to stave off the looming void. We have no idea what it means to be alone with only our thoughts for company. We don’t even recognize the sound of our own voice when it calls out to us from deep in our souls.
The void has taught me a lot. It has taught me the power of silence in a crowded sea of clamoring voices. How to listen for my voice amidst all the noise of my clattered thoughts. How to let go of control and simply let life unfold, no matter how terrifying that may sound. How to trust in the guiding power of an unseen force that cradles my existence. How to find myself, my authentic self – lost for so long in the journey of life.
The void has taught me how to survive the loneliest of days and nights with only myself for company. It has taught me how to cry when tears is all I have left.
Today I sat on a rock and I cried.