It’s a rather chilly Valentine’s Day morning as I write this post which was inspired by an online chat I was perusing through.
Let me paint you a picture. You are in a committed relationship with a great partner, raising your kids together and generally content with your love life. Then one dark day your world falls apart when you discover that your partner has been cheating on you and your entire life together is a complete lie.
This is a fairly common scenario, devastating as it is. I would even go so far as to say, that its human nature to check out the grass on the other side of the fence.
Why do I say human nature? Cheating is a typical escapism channel that we utilize to avoid dealing with what’s really doing on with us. Cheating is a symptom and not the actual problem.
I get very bemused with the reactions people have when they hear that someone cheated on their partner. The most common is, what you did to make that person cheat on you. Somehow it becomes your fault that you were cheated on. Perhaps you didn’t do enough in the relationship to keep your partner interested. Most interventions are based on what you are going to do to ensure that your partner doesn’t stray again.
Seriously, when did you become responsible for another grown adult who has a brain and can make decisions?
Let’s break this down further. Why do people cheat? Usually it is because they are looking for something that they don’t have. Money. Sex. Love. Attention. A sense of adventure, curiosity, danger even. And they believe that these things are to be found externally rather than within themselves.
People who cheat are simply trying to find themselves out in the world, rather than within them where all the answers have always been. All the prayers in the world will not make them faithful unless they themselves make the decision to be faithful. No one changes unless they really want to.
Love has a way of messing with our heads and making us believe that we are responsible for another person’s happiness. You are only responsible for yourself and your choices. In the same way, your partner is responsible for his/her choices and cannot delegate the consequences of those choices to you or anyone else.
Let me say this clearly so that hopefully it sinks in. You do not have any control over what another person does, not even a child. If your partner cheats on you, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him/her. It does not reflect on you at all.
And no, don’t listen to their lies when they insist that it was because of you. That is what we call classic human nature escapism of refusing to face your inner self.
Remember, no one can make you do anything that you don’t want to do. So please tell me how I managed to “make” someone cheat. Don’t fool yourself, that person is simply doing what they wanted to do. No excuses or shifting blame.
If everyone simply understood this concept, life would be very simple. Everyone would deal with themselves individually and hold themselves accountable for every single choice they make.
But alas. Most of us are cowards who will not hesitate to make their inner issues someone else’s problem. Anyone else, as long as it’s not them.