SCARS

What do you do when the tears won’t stop flowing. What do you do with scars so deep that they cut you to the very bone. How do you go through each hour when time seems to have frozen still. Your heart is shattered yet again into pieces flung far and wide. You can’t sleep, can’t sit, can’t move and can’t stand. Your soul has deserted your body, yet somehow you are still breathing. The only thing you can feel through your body is excruciating pain. Somehow the pain is your only consolation as it is the only thing keeping you alive. Even breathing brings pain, speaking is pure torture. Nothing makes sense, nothing feels real. You move like a numb zombie, dead to the world. The kind of pain that can only be felt in the silence of the darkest void. The kind of pain that keeps coming in waves that wash over you. Pain that becomes a part of you till you no longer remember who you were before it. Pain so excruciating that it cuts through every fibre of your being. Agony so deep that it scorches everything it touches. At some point you just accept the…

Mountain of Fear

Fear is the greatest teacher in the world. It can take you to the very ends of the earth if you let it. It carries the deepest lessons through the most painful of wounds. It bears boundless growth via the ugliest of scars. There is no place on earth worth going to that fear has never visited. It is the most human of all emotions, the one that reminds us of our ordinary mortality. I am no stranger to fear. On the contrary, fear and I are old friends. Once upon a time, fear was my greatest adversary. The stumbling block on life’s path of dreams and desires. Fear ruled my world as lord and master as I cowered in a dark corner as the inadvertent subject. I was afraid to try, yet afraid to fail. Afraid to get hurt, yet afraid of being alone. Afraid of failing, yet also afraid of succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. Afraid to leave, yet afraid to stay. Yes, fear ruled every single action I took. And then one day I simply decided that I was tired of being afraid. I started to ask myself, What IF? What if, just what if I succeed?…

Pieces of Me

The first time I went for counseling was a knee jerk reaction to an extreme rage episode I had. For those of you who only come here for gossip, here are the juicy details. I was at a party and at some point I flew into a mad rage and butchered someone’s baseball cap with a bread knife. To this day the details of my actions are still so hazy to the point of barely remembering what the owner of the cap had done to attract such an extreme reaction from me. Truth be told, whatever it was had been building up gradually inside me over time. I was angry – at the world, at God, at all my friends and family. Mostly, I was angry at me (but I didn’t know this at the time). I never really believed in counseling then; even when I lost my first baby at term, I didn’t bother to seek help dealing with the loss. I was pretty bad ass back then, my very own ninja protector. The hat incident changed all that. It scared me and shook me to the core. It made me realize that I was out of control and…

Wings

I have never been a daddy’s girl. Well to be honest, this wasn’t really a thing in the generation I grew up in. Our parents were no nonsense – no mollycoddling and barely an attempt to see their kids as more than a passing nuisance. All through my teens and well into my 20s, I barely had a relationship with my dad. That changed the day he became my personal guardian angel. First it was just a voice in my head. Then it was a fiery calling in my heart. And then one day there he was. No longer a fleeting shadow or desert mirage. No longer my (super) suggestive imagination which can create stories out of virtually anything. No longer the gentle whisper in the darkness that illuminated my way. No longer a giant chip on my shoulder that I could brush off with logic. Real flesh and bones. I always wanted to say that. Seriously. It defied reason and human understanding. But yet there he was, just strolling around like he owned the place. Appearing just when I asked a question. Annoyingly, always having the answer. That’s how I knew it was him by the way. Know it…

The End is the Beginning

I started this blog just over 5 years ago when I began my quest to find myself. At the time, I had no idea what I was looking for or if I would ever find it in this lifetime. I was already sufficiently jaded by life and just going through the motions of every day existing. Try as I might though, I couldn’t silence the little voice inside of my heart that kept longing for something that seemingly felt like it could only be found outside of me. So began my search for a needle in a haystack. To say the process was tough would be a tad of an understatement. More like blood, sweat and tears, and then some. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but finding your true authentic self is no walk in the park. It took determination to stay on my path, never mind that I gave up numerous times along the way and had to talk myself back onto the wagon again and again. Well you know what they say – if you want something badly enough, eventually the entire universe will conspire to bring it to you. That’s what happened to me. After a…

The Paradox of Choice

One of the greatest human fears is the fear of the unknown. We tend to gravitate towards the familiar and are generally uncomfortable with change, or even anything that looks different from what we are accustomed to. This crippling fear is single handedly responsible for abandoned desires, hopes and even possibilities. While it is human nature to expect a positive outcome from every decision, the reality of life is that some decisions will not lead where we hoped they would. The harsh truth is that choices do not come with guarantees of the future outcome. When you decide to get married, there is no guarantee that you will live happily ever after. Leading a healthy life does not necessarily mean you will never get sick. Taking that job isn’t a guarantee of job security. When life presents us with options, it never actually shows us what our options will lead to. And this terrifies most people to the point of inability to choose. Why? Our fear of what we do not know, what we cannot see, what we cannot touch, what we cannot fathom, terrifies us beyond any other fear known to man. Yet what is life really? Is it…

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