New Year, Old Grief

Image 1As my first post for the year, I am featuring a guest post from a reader who requested anonymity. Her story is deeply introspective and a great testimony to inner strength. I found her story especially moving as I have realized that the greatest success stories of triumph often arise from the ashes of countless failures, disappointments and shattered dreams. As a great man once coined, Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up. I hope this post inspires you as it did me.

I spent the early morning hours of January 1st stumbling into the house and subsequently crying about life. It would be a normal drunk episode if the things I was saying out loud to myself didn’t sound so bloody true. There I was on the dawn of a New Year and I was exactly where I was the year before – drunk and about to go to bed before battling the worst hangover I had ever had. Hadn’t I said that this year would be quiet? Hadn’t I said 2016 would begin differently? I had. But, as these things sometimes go, I had fallen into the same old routine.

So at 6am, on the 1st of January I was overwhelmed by the sore feeling of disappointment. In myself and in my actions. I stood in the doorway of our bedroom and asked my husband, “What is it about me that makes me want to keep proving myself?” With this simple question, I had opened the gates of hell. We sat up and I cried, sniffled and mumbled about everything. Why did I drink as much as I did even though I regretted my actions most times? Why did I become so vulgar when I got drunk? Why was I always trying to make people see me a certain way? And most importantly, why couldn’t I stop making the same mistakes and self-sabotaging?

I couldn’t hear it but my husband did. He heard the things I said about myself even without realising that I was saying them. My self-talk consisted of calling myself fat, ugly and stupid without even realising that I was doing it. Long story short, I now hear it and have begun to work on it. I’ll tell you this – those hot, grief-filled tears unravelled something within me. The knot that I didn’t even know was inside me had come undone. It was restorative in a way that I can’t even describe.

So why am I telling you this sob story? I’m telling you so that you know you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve felt like you aren’t enough at one point or another. Maybe you still do. I don’t want you to go into a new year making the same mistakes and carrying the same pain. You might not even know you have it. Ask yourself one thing – “Are there things that I keep doing that I keep regretting?” If the answer is yes, take the time to explore those feelings. It will suck and it will hurt like hell but it will be so worth it.

I want you to know that you are not unlovable. I want you to know that all the mean things you say about yourself are not true. I want you to know what other people say about you doesn’t matter. I want you to know that there is nothing in the world that can ever give you the kind of power you can give yourself by admitting what’s truly going on on the inside. Maybe every year feels this way but I can’t help but feel like this particular one is full of so much promise. So much hope. So many possibilities. Go into it with a new skin.

And I want you to know, it’s never too late to start again.

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