RollerCoaster Clarity.


For the past two months or so I feel like my life has been on a roller-coaster of sorts. Turns out that running a coaching practice (part-time) alongside a full time regular job isn’t a piece of cake. Add to that trying to launch a whole new enterprise on transformational leadership and change management plus keeping the boys in my life smiling and I was basically spinning!

The one lesson that I have learnt during this time is this: Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!

You see, right before this roller-coaster episode of my life, I had been forlornly regarding my life as too slow and not exciting or challenging enough. I did not feel that I was utilizing my skills and passion to their full potential and I was generally feeling that my progress was too slow for my liking.

Now it’s quite true that life is strange and things happen when you least expect them to. Suddenly, in the course of a couple of weeks, I had numerous queries regarding my coaching practice with people requesting for sessions out of the blue. I took this in stride since I love coaching and promptly snapped up the opportunities. However, life was not yet done with me. Two major responsibilities were dumped in my lap, both requiring my time and attention. Suddenly the hours in the day shrunk to non-existent, and I began to feel overwhelmed at the immense pressure. I was literally coming apart at the seams and the balls that I was juggling began to fall to the ground one by one. I felt I had spread myself too thin and in typical cave-woman fashion, I dropped everything, shut down and bolted myself into my cave to figure out what to do.


The one thing that conflicted me the most was the fact that all these were excellent opportunities – people would kill for them. I kept feeling that if I didn’t grab them now, then they would be gone for good and I would regret it for life. The more I kept feeling like this however, the more I retreated into the safe recesses of my secluded cave, shutting out any and all attempts to help me.

What I kept coming back to again and again, was my vision. My direction for my future. It was like a guiding light in a stormy dark night. You see, that’s the one thing that I am irrefutably grounded on. I know exactly what I want to do in terms of fulfilling my purpose and I more or less know how to do it. So I finally had to ask myself a really tough question; as excellent as these opportunities were, did they fit in with my overall vision? Would they lead me to my vision or away from it? Would I wake up one year from now happy that I had taken them on, or miserable as I was one year ago and feeling like what I did had no meaning?

What some of us may not realize is that too many opportunities are just as bad as none at all. A year ago I would have simply signed on to everything and somehow pulled it off, regardless of where it fitted into my vision – at that time I was wandering around in circles and grabbing onto anything and everything just to remain sane. This time however was different. As a result of being very clear on the direction I was moving in, I actually turned these opportunities down and returned my focus to what really mattered to me and what ultimately gets me out of bed every morning.


As I went through this process, I realized that numerous bad decisions are made by people daily simply because of a false belief that opportunities are limited. You know, the whole, “once in a lifetime opportunity, grab it now because it will never again be offered to you!” How many of us have bought houses, cars, land, taken a job, gotten into a relationship etc simply because you thought it was a once-in-a-lifetime deal? Only to later realize that something better came along or you just weren’t happy with the decision you made? I know I have been victim a couple of times.

Truth is, that’s just a sales gimmick. Opportunities will always exist – they were there before we were born and they will be there long after we are gone. What makes an opportunity distinctive is timing. If you’re not ready for it, nothing will come out of it no matter how much you try to force it. As a good friend of mine often quips, “sometimes time chooses the person.” Meaning that, when it’s your time, even you will not be able to stop the roller coaster and you will actually enjoy the ride – you will be ready for the ride.

If you’re reading this today and you’re not clear on your vision or your direction, drop me a line. My passion is helping people discover their direction, develop their vision and in so doing, find their future and fulfill their ultimate potential.


A Broken Heart

Lately I’ve been feeling really melancholy. You know the feeling when you’re just feeling low for apparently no fathomable reason? Yes that feeling. I have been wracking my brain with little success as to what could be making me feel this way. I mean, I’m typically a really happy person. Plus my life honestly couldn’t be better right now; everything is actually really going well which makes it even more bizarre. I just want to curl up in bed, day in day out with only me for company.


Then today, wham! Out of the blue, it hit me. I have a broken heart. I know you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, what’s so special about this? Let me explain. My heart wasn’t broken in the usual way, where a relationship between a man and a woman abruptly ends. My heart was broken by a very unlikely source. My heart was broken by a friend.

For those who may still be rolling their eyes, allow me to break it down for you – I have the kind of friendships where I go all out. I treasure my friends, few as they are and I allow myself to be vulnerable with them. In the past I have had friends who’ve come and gone and it really wasn’t a big deal. Seasons of life right? So I never really saw this one coming till it hit me like a speeding freight train and took out my heart with it. Because I never really thought that a friend could actually break my heart. Then again I have been called naive on several occasions.


Now it’s been a while since I got my heart broken so it’s no wonder that I didn’t recognize the signs immediately. Shockingly though, it was exactly like all the past instances with all the stages presenting. I went through denial (actually I’d been stuck there for a while); making excuses for the person’s behavior and now I’m at grief mixed with anger and bitterness. I expect the next stages will follow logically but I honestly can’t wait for acceptance and finally closure.


It got me thinking though, should I have protected my heart better? Should I have kept my distance and been aloof right from the start? Would I have been feeling better today if I had? Was it my fault? All these and more are the questions we usually ask ourselves when a relationship falls apart; I’ve just never been in a position where I had to ask them for a broken friendship. And just like in relationships I found myself making resolutions – you know, the “never ever again” type that are typical of waking up with a hangover and swearing to never drink again. Till the next time. At this point, I caught myself and thought, why would I want to change who I am just to be safe? Why would I need to protect myself from my friends which would probably result in me turning into an aloof, insincere snob? Why would I go against the very grain of what I believe in, that people are intrinsically good but make bad choices occasionally?


After much thought, I resolved not to allow this incident to change me. I resolved to continue being myself and genuinely immersing myself in friendships regardless of the outcome. I realized that I have more to lose if I allow myself to give into the fear of rejection. Yes it hurts and it will take time for me to heal. It will however not hold me back from living my life as I truly believe. With an overflowing abundance of love for all whom I hold dear.

For all my friends, you know yourselves. I treasure you.

Anger Most Foul

This morning I lost my temper. Like really lost my temper. For those who don’t know, I have a relatively short fuse but I also tend to calm down pretty fast. This morning however was different. I experienced a rage I have never ever felt before. This morning I finally understood what the phrase “blind rage” means. More importantly, I truly understood and felt just how far it had the potential to push me and just how much destruction I was capable of in those tense heated uncontrolled moments.


To cut a long story short, I have a very arrogant neighbor who during the night decided to block my car just to make a point. We spent 10 minutes trying to wake him up, only for him to wake up and tell me he had done it deliberately. To add insult to injury, his car apparently needs 30 minutes (I am not making this up) to warm up before he could move it. (I’m not entirely sure that his car runs on fuel; perhaps dirty water?) Anyway, as his car warmed up, we engaged in a heated shouting match for all and sundry to hear. Finally he moved his car and I drove off in a major huff trying to calm myself down with all the positive energy and self-talk that I could muster.

Thinking about it as I drove to work reminded me of a recent article I had read about in the dailies a couple of weeks ago where a motorist shot and killed another in a road rage incident. I have always wondered how angry someone would have to be to take out his gun and shoot someone else just for crossing him in traffic or whatever trivial reason. Just to be clear, I am making reference to level headed, intelligent people who can actually fathom the consequences of their actions. However, today I realized that had I been a licensed gun owner (or quite honestly, had any other weapon in my reach), I would have probably used it. In the heat of the moment of course. And while this may seem crazy to even admit, to be honest it just made me realize how human I am. With very human feelings and some very red blood.


We all get angry, even furious from time to time. I really don’t believe it’s realistic to say that we can completely avoid it. However, what truly matters is what you do with that anger. After all, it’s a feeling just like all other feelings that we were blessed with right? And more importantly, once the storm has passed and the anger is gone; once the calm returns, will it have changed you or will you still be able to recognize yourself? For example, if you stab someone in a fit of domestic-instigated anger, your life will be forever changed. So while having the anger inside of you may have been perfectly natural, what you do with this anger now changes the course of your life permanently. Meaning that if we can just control what we do with our anger, or how we direct it, that ultimately makes all the difference in the eventual outcome.

The obvious flaw in this very brilliant logic (if I do say so myself) is that at the height of the anger and in the eye of the storm, we seem to lose all intelligent or rational thought and seemingly revert to our primal animal instincts. Simply put, all caution is thrown to the wind. Rational thought only seems to work when a person is calm, like I am now as opposed to this morning when I was baying for blood.


Sorry to disappoint those who thought that I have an instant magic solution to ensure that rational thought can be applied during those tense moments when you just want to kill someone. I am human after all, so in that regard, we are in the same boat. I have heard however, that counting slowly to 10, 20 or whatever appropriate number before you speak might help in delaying or even deferring your stormy response. Others claim that counting just serves to make them even angrier so, to each his own. Walking away works for others, though it may not be possible depending on the situation. Keep in mind that some suggested solutions are personality driven so if you are confrontational like me, walking away may not feel good to you.

All I can say is remember you are human and you have human feelings so don’t be too hard on yourself. Find a way that works to blow off your steam harmlessly like pummeling a punching bag and always ensure that you deal with whatever made you angry once you are calm. Otherwise you risk a repeat of the same or worse when it happens again. Apologize if you hurt someone during your storm. Most importantly however, try really hard not to kill anyone.


Love is.


Last Sunday one of my best friends got engaged to the love of her life and one of the nicest guys I have had the pleasure to know. It was the most beautifully and elaborately planned surprise – she was throwing him a surprise birthday party and unbeknown to her, he had planned to pop the big question during the party. It took quite a bit of sneaking around and no small amount of cunning especially for those of us who are friends to both of them, hence were involved in planning both surprises. Thankfully the plan went off without so much as a hitch and she said Yes! A very emotional yes of course thanks to the beautiful proposal.

Watching them, so blissfully in love and being involved in the whole process really got me thinking about relationships and the institution of marriage. Let’s face it, these days you are more likely to hear negative stories about marriage and relationships and less about couples who are happy – genuinely happy together. You are also more likely to hear about people getting into relationships for wrong reasons leading to an inevitable breakdown of their unions. So when you get a positive story of two people who are happy and genuinely in love, it’s actually inspiring.

Better still, when you get the opportunity to witness the birth and gradual blossoming of a sweet youthful love, it actually becomes a reminder of how simple love can be – if you let it.


We tend to place so many rules and regulations on love that sometimes we miss out on the feeling altogether. Right from when we are searching for that special someone, we already have so many rules that we expect our “perfect partner” to conform to. From the looks to the job to the car one drives, it’s all one very large regulation which can even result in us missing out on a great relationship just because the person did not meet our criteria.

Once in the relationship (if we are lucky enough to find someone fitting our criteria), we create a whole new set of rules that “govern” the relationship. One that particularly bothers me is the supposed lengths of time one must take before certain milestones – for instance we have now defined how long you should date a man before you can sleep with him thanks to Steve Harvey (*face palm*). Plus the varied recommendations of dating periods before marriage can be considered. Followed by the appropriate length of time to be engaged. The list is a mile long.

One question though. Who is the expert who came up with all these timelines which some of us follow religiously? I mean, seriously, does it mean that all people and relationships are exactly the same so it will take the same amount of time to actually get to know a person “enough”? I thought everyone is unique in their differences which is what makes each relationship diverse, but then again what do I know?


I have learnt a few things from watching my two friends fall in love though. Interestingly these are things that I actually knew but I had to re-learn them. One is that Love is as simple – or as complicated as you make it. It basically boils down to the two of you and what your hearts feel. Love is not defined within the limits of time. It is something that keeps on growing if you allow it and give it the space it needs. The decision to spend your life with someone doesn’t mean you know everything about them; it just means you are committing a lifetime to discovering together. (My mother who has been married for 44 years told me that she still discovers new things about my dad; four decades later!!). Love is not limited by age, tribe, nationality or societal stereotypes. Love transcends all these, if you simply allow it.

Simply put, Love is a choice. A beautiful choice.

Congratulations to my best friends Linda and Andrew on their beautiful choice and all of God’s blessings as they embark on their journey of discovery together.



My Angel.

Exactly seven years ago, my life changed irrevocably. Exactly seven years ago, God sent me a precious little Angel to save me. Exactly seven years ago today, my little man Aidan came into the world.


Today I celebrate him with this post, simply because, he is absolutely and without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. You see, I was never really prepared for him. People say you prepare for a child, but honestly, nothing really prepares you for a child. In my case it was even more extreme because he kind of popped into my life when I was at the lowest point of my existence. I was convinced I would be a horrid mum and kept asking God, why, why, why now?

Nothing could have prepared me for my little Angel. Little did I know that it was I who would learn from him and be inspired by him; and very rarely, the other way around. There was nothing cliché about his actual birth. I was highly doped up on pain medication (thank you Dr W.!) which meant that when the nurses grandly presented him to me, I did not go “oooooh, aaaaahhhh……” like I hear other mums declare. My first words to my son were “So this is the one who has been giving me all this stress….” After which I promptly nodded off. (effects of the meds!)


Hours later, less dopey, I was happily receiving my visitors who of course demanded to see the little Angel. I found my way uncertainly to the nursery and inquired which of the many screaming tots was mine. When they showed him to me, I remember peering curiously at him and wondering, “….now what the heck do I do?” Bottom line, the so called and claimed “rush of love and motherhood instinct” never hit me until two weeks later during a particularly rough morning when he just wouldn’t stop crying. I remember trying to give him a sponge bath (he hated those) and he just kept bawling. I finally put down the wash sponge and burst into tears – frustration, sleep deprivation and apparently, effects of postpartum depression, all pouring out of me. When we were done crying, I just felt like something had shifted. I picked him up and looked into his eyes and just knew it. That we were stuck together, for better or worse, he was mine. All mine.


There is no way I can possibly do justice to seven whole years with my little Angel in just one post so I will not even try. I will say a couple of things though.

Simply put, he is the most amazing human being I have ever encountered. He has this knack of just sensing when I am not ok and putting his little arms around me trying to make it all better. He is very creative and we often have a difficult time distinguishing between actual events, and one of his famous “creative plays”. He brings light and fun into any room he goes into, and makes friends with everyone! Children follow him everywhere, lapping up his every word. Adults find him refreshingly mature to have conversations with. He has the most beautiful eyes and will not hesitate to use them to manipulate me into whatever his heart’s desire is. (he learnt this too soon, honestly, I really pity the girls!). He has the most infectious laugh that can deliver you from any depression or preoccupation with trivial things. The best part of my day is always getting home, usually catching him in the middle of some mischief which he will desperately try to wiggle out of.


If I had to summarize him in one sentence, that sentence would be “He is the best part of me.” Because he truly is. He makes me want to be a better person, just to live up to his expectations, since in his own words; I am the best mummy in the world. And just for him, I try to live each day to be the best that I can possibly be.

Happy Birthday my Precious Angel!!





What kind of a friend are you? What kind of friends do you have? It may seem pretty cliché but the people you surround yourself with influence you more than you would care to imagine. In turn, you also influence them just as much. So if you have never looked keenly at your friends, perhaps you need to.

What’s a friend anyway? One of the common definitions is a person whom one knows and has a bond of mutual affection with, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Using that definition, a lot of people would definitely make the list, right? They don’t all influence you though, do they? I mean, I am pretty fond of my Face Book friends, but I wouldn’t really say they influence me.


So we need a deeper distinction. What then is a True Friend? Some people would say, someone who will always be there for you, even when everyone else is gone. Someone who sees you and accepts you as you really are. Someone who would never judge you. All these and more, are what we normally call True or Best friends.

I have seen my fair share of friends come and go. Some I could clearly tell were there for the short haul or for a particular season or reason. Like my campus friends for instance. I absolutely adored those girls and even though we no longer speak daily, I still consider them my valued friends. They had a very high influence on who I was during that season of my life. Others, I could have sworn, were friends for life till they just upped and left without so much as a goodbye.


One thing I have realized as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) is that I have fewer friends. The ones who are really close to me. The ones who know where the bodies are buried, so to speak. And it’s actually harder when you’re older to make new friends. The long lasting deep kind. Our experiences make it harder for us to trust people easily and we end up holding them at arm’s length and never really letting them in.

Personally, this is my definition for a true friend. Someone who will pick my call at 3am and will come to wherever I need them to. No hesitation and no questions asked. I use the same consideration to define myself to the precious few who call me a true friend. And trust me, I am not the kind of person who would often need to make 3am calls. Even when I was a night owl, I only made that call once. So it’s symbolic really. These are people who will have my back no matter what, and will not hesitate to call me out if they see me going the wrong way. They are not afraid to offend me and subject me to tough love on a regular basis.


I used to think that a true friend was one who would let you get away with anything, like an enabler. The kind who would let you jump off a cliff, and be waiting at the bottom for you. I recently learnt that true friendship is about telling someone that they are making a big mistake – before they make it and not after! True friends will tell you the truth; the painful truth. They will not mince words, or stand by as you make a mistake, or let you wallow in your misery. And you will hate them briefly for doing it, but eventually you will thank them. And ultimately, these are the people you will come to treasure and hold close. These are the people whose opinions will influence and gently complement your own.

And by the way, if you ever have the good fortune to fall in love with and marry your true friend, then consider yourself one of the luckiest people in the world!